keeping up with the curriers

11/28/08: Thanksgiving

Whew...we made it.  Our first holiday without Daddy.  I know that sounds ridiculous.  He didn't live near me so we didn't even spend the holidays together.  I think I probably spent a total of 4 or 5 Thanksgivings with him.  That's really just a guess.  But I always talked to him on Thanksgiving.  And I could always be thankful for him on Thanksgiving.  Don't get me wrong.  I am still very thankful for him. 

The day went well.  I spent the morning finishing up the baking I had to do for Thanksgiving.  My sister-in-law was hosting in Jacksonville, so we were bringing breads and desserts.  I felt bad for having so little signed up for, so I tried to make up for it by bringing LOTS of desserts.  Anyway, we got behind - of course.  Gathering everything and sorting out the kids and what they needed and actually getting them out the door took longer than I anticipated.

When we got there I began to feel uneasy almost immediately.  I don't know what it is about impending community that makes me feel that way.  I felt the same way at church on Sunday.  We walked in, said hello and then I began to quickly unravel.  My father-in-law greeted me.  I said, "Happy Thanksgiving, Dad."  Then I hugged him and he took Cameron from me.  That was all I needed to lose it.  I immediately began to cry and then made my way back outside to grab more stuff.  And LOST IT.

I stood there weeping in Kevin's chest, just thinking how much I would have loved to say "Happy Thanksgiving" to MY daddy and hand over Cameron to him.  Eventually I stopped crying/hyperventilating (you know the kind of crying where you cry and all it really becomes is this deep inhalation that doesn't seem to get you any air?).  Then I started again.  Finally, I stopped a second time and then went back inside.  I'm not sure anyone else knew what I was doing out there.  Thankfully the meal preparation kept people scurrying about.

So I come back in and take Cameron because he's upset. Amazing how your baby can calm you when you feel like an absolute mess.  We make him a bottle and I feed him.  When I'm done someone takes him (I have no idea who) and I just sit outside for a bit.  Ah, but have no fear!  Another weeping spell is on the way!  My father-in-law (who has now become my ONLY dad) comes over and says he's sorry about my dad.  And I lose it again.  He was so sweet offering me his shoulder and all.  It's then that it dawned on me that he was the only dad I could talk to anymore.  So I'm sobbing.  Maybe it's a good thing that it was the only time anyone mentioned my dad or asked how I'm doing.  Not sure.

I feel as though I didn't really interact this Thanksgiving.  Like things were just going on around me.  I feel bad.  But I hope they understand.

Regardless, I am thankful this year.  I am thankful for my Daddy and all he did for me.  For how he loved me.  I'm thankful for all of my family and the blessings the Lord has given me in them.  I am thankful for His provision in our lives.  I am thankful.

11/26/08: Baking Break

I've been baking most of the day.   Honestly, I find it kind of funny because I haven't been able to put together a meal for my family more than once since my dad died.  I think my list of accomplishments since I found out about his passing include:

• One meal - not even a full meal, though.  Definitely not a well rounded one.  Seriously.  Our meals have consisted of: Chinese take out, BBQ take out, McDonald's, Taco Bell (I know!), pizza, and take out leftovers.  So sad.
• Made baby food.  Yes, Cameron is the only one apparently not affected by first bullet point.
• Taking the kids to school.  Not consistently, though.  Kevin has had to rescue me more than once.
• Picking the kids up from school.  This I have managed.  Of course, it's only been four times.  And I can't promise I was bathed or dressed presentably each time.
• Three loads of laundry.  Maybe.  And probably out of necessity.  My mother-in-law did a few loads for me when she was here last week.  That helped.  My mom is coming tomorrow.  Maybe I could swing another week without being responsible for it!
• Scheduled the steam cleaners to come clean our carpets.  This was a necessity because it was just gross.
• I went out fully bathed, dressed and even made up a bit.  This was for the gala we went to.  Very fun.
• I dried my hair once.  Oh, wait.  That was part of the last bullet point.  Drat.
• Grocery shopping.  Again, necessity.  I actually went twice since I got back from CA.  Once because we needed milk, bread, etc.  And then today because I needed to bake desserts for Thanksgiving tomorrow.  Clearly not for cooking actual meals.  (Refer back to first bullet point.)
• Paid bills.  Late mind you.  Which really makes me mad.  I'm a stickler for paying everything in full and on time. 
• Ah, TV.  That has been an accomplishment.  Once the kids are in bed I'm typically in a fully vegetative state.  Diet Coke, couch, remote, TV.  That's my evening.

Sad.  I know.  I am a mess.  Of phenomenal proportions.  But my kids are getting by.  I haven't lost one or killed one or anything.  So I figure it's okay.  This phase will pass and I'll be back to semi-normal.  Right?

I had a point to this post.  But it has been lost.  Perhaps I'll find it again later.

11/24/08: Break from the SAD

Okay, so here is some stuff from the fall before all of the sad...

We spent early November trying to stay active.  Soccer for Caleb, our church picnic, fishing and Fall Downtown Arts Festival were all things we did in the first two weekends of November.

Caleb played on the Green Goblins this fall.  We played at the Y again this fall mainly because it was going to be a little less demanding in terms of time.  We weren't prepared to give up another weeknight to sports just yet.  Cate is excited about the prospect of being able to play in the spring.  Yikes!

 
Cate watching her brother play soccer

The church picnic was held on the church grounds and the kids love it.  They get to ride a pony (both of them rode this year - Caleb was apprehensive last year), play games, win prizes, bounce in the bounce house (which deflated on top of them!), go on a hay ride and see a really big fire.  What could be better?

 
Playing with prizes at the church picnic

Caleb's last day of soccer was fun.  Caleb always looks forward to getting his trophy.  I told him we may not have enough room for all his trophies.  He told me we could get a bigger house and then there would be room for all of them.  Thanks, Caleb.

 
Caleb and his trophy

 
Grant, Caleb and Cate
(Cate is pretending her juice box is a trophy)

After the soccer game we went to the Downtown Arts Festival.  We love to go every year - usually twice a year, fall and spring.  I particularly love to get the gyros.  The kids play with chalk and make some kind of craft.  Oh, and we try homemade sasparilla, cream soda, root beer and ginger ale.  Yum.

Caleb being a Jr. Firefighter

 
Amy dancing with Grant and Cate

Cate and her corn
(and yes, it did end up on the ground)

Caleb and Grant

Cate is my little adventurous one.  She was ready for the challenge!

Cameron was more interested in sleeping

All the kids
BTW, we decided to hire sitters next time and just the adults will go.  Maneuvering ourselves, our food and five children was a larger task than we needed!

11/21/08: Frame of Reference

I just realized I've been looking at dates in terms of my dad.  I was downloading pictures and had a bunch from the church picnic and Caleb's last game/Downtown Arts Festival.  The church picnic was the last night I spoke to my dad.  And Caleb's last game and the Arts Festival were the day he died.  I wonder how long things will be like that.  "Before Dad died" and "after Dad died."

11/19/08: Babblings

So I'm wondering...when does life return to "normal?"  When will I go through a day - let alone a couple of hours - without times of such profound sadness over the death of my daddy?  When does it feel normal not to be able to call him whenever I want to?  When will I look at a picture of him and not cry?

Today I opened up envelopes of pictures to sort through and his scent filled the air.  I had to put them away to sort later.  But then I worried that if I left them out of the envelope then the scent might disappear.  Would it be better to try and preserve it?

Most every time I hold Cameron I can't help but to think of Daddy.  And how he never got to hold Cameron himself.  And how I wish he had been able to.

Often I wonder what things would have been like if he hadn't had the skin cancer and been so embarrassed by how he looked.  Or hadn't gotten so frail.  Or had family closer to him.  Or if his business venture hadn't failed.  Or if he had been married in the last years of his life.  I wonder if it would have all ended the same way.

Sometimes I try to imagine what his last moments were like.  I think about it and try to imagine myself there.  As if imagining myself in the midst of it makes him less alone when he was going through it all.

There are times when I close my eyes and try and imagine him when he was healthier and all I can see is the latest photo of him.  I wonder if it's better to remember the Daddy of my youth or who he had become. 

I try to explain to Caleb that I'm sorry I'm not more engaged with him during the day and that it's because I'm just really sad and then he gets confused by my tears.  And he says that playing Lucky Ducks will make me all better.  If only.

Sometimes I wish I had seen him going through everything or had seen him even after he died.  That may sound morbid, but I feel like it's too far of a leap from talking with him on the phone just days before and everything being okay to going through his things and arranging his memorial.  I feel like there has to be a bridge of some kind.

I've always been somewhat of an extrovert and am a verbal processor, so it feels good to be around people and to be able to talk about it a bit.  Then I feel bad because I realize I must seem much more okay with everything when I'm talking to someone than I really feel inside.  Not that things are bad, because they aren't.  There are just times during the day when I zone out and am just so sad.  I'm not wrestling with my feelings, going through denial or projecting my anger.  I'm just so profoundly sad.  I never knew I could be this sad.

11/17/08: Siblings Reuinited

Daddy's memorial was on Saturday.  I am still so incredibly sad.  I really didn't know I could be this sad.  But here is something good that came from it all.  I don't think there was anyone in the world who would have believed this would ever happen....

Billy, Allan, Paula, Chelle, Tina, Me and John

These are all of my step- and half- siblings.  We have never all been together.  Sad that it took Daddy's death to do it, but it was nice.

I'll post more later, but wanted to get something up and say thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

11/09/08: Please Pray

My Daddy passed away last night.  Yes, Daddy. I still call him that. 

He has been in declining health for many years, but seemed to be on the upswing a bit lately.

The saddest thing to me is that he died alone.  What I wouldn't give to have been there with him.  For him.

I can't say it was shocking to hear that he had died, but I can tell you that I am so incredibly saddened.  To have not been there with him.  To have not been able to introduce him to his newest grandson, Cameron Paul.

Paul.  The name of my Daddy. 

Just last week we were looking at vacation rental homes out there for our next visit.  I was already looking forward to it.

Please pray for us as I sort out details and figure everything out.  Please pray that, well, I don't even know.  Just pray.

Paul William Fitzpatrick, Jr.
May 25, 1939 - November 8, 2008

11/01/08: Halloween

I have had requests for pics of the kids in their costumes.  As  you can tell, I am terribly behind on my blog and I'm planning to try and catch up soon.  There may be some post-dated posts soon.

Anyway, Halloween was lots of fun.  We got Caleb and Cate ready for school, and for Caleb that meant getting into his costume for his costume parade.  We got there just in time and Caleb was excited to walk in his parade.  He even has the parade wave down.  Here are the pics:

Caitlyn waiting for the parade to start on Daddy's shoulders.

It was a little chilly so Cam wore his winter hat.  He was very interested in the parade.

There he is!  Pit Crew for McQueen.  Who knows what the official name is.  But he loved it.  He walked with his hand out like that the entire time.  (This is the first lap.)

Second lap.

After the costume parade both Cate and Caleb went to their classrooms for their Halloween parties.  After I picked them up from school we went home and rested up for the next activity - Boo at the Zoo.  Thankfully Kevin was able to go to work late and get off early so he didn't miss anything with the kids.

Caleb on the way to Boo at the Zoo.  Apparently he's hip hop now.

Caitlyn was Cinderella for Halloween.  She is Cate's favorite princess.

Getting ready to go through the zoo.

This is Caleb's "I'm doing what you're asking me to do but I'm really not paying attention to what you want me to do" look.

Cate didn't get out of the stroller at all. She just had the bucket strapped to her seat belt. 

Outside the zoo.

After Boo at the Zoo we went to Zaxby's for dinner.  We get free meal coupons from them for Halloween so we just stop there on our way home.  Then we got home, rested some more and then got ready to go trick or treating.  This is the first year they've done that and they LOVED it.  Caleb thinks it's the greatest thing to just go to people's houses and get candy for nothing.  We only went around the block and probably stopped at like 8 houses or something.  Of course, by the time we got back everyone had already come by our house and not gotten our candy since we were out as well.  Drat.  LOTS of candy still at our house.

Okay, so this isn't while we were trick or treating.  I think this is in the car on the way home from the zoo.  Isn't he cute!  Yes, I know, no costume.  Sorry.

Getting ready to go trick or treating...

On the road with Daddy

Kinda blurry, but this is the only one I have of Cam showing his "costume".  It's a onesie that says "This is my costume."  And his socks have candy corns on them.  Does that count?

Our brood at the end of a long day...

10/31/08: Growing up in Gainesville

Yes, we still live in Gainesville.  We are raising our children in Gainesville.  And while I believe that many of our friends are doing their duty to raise their children in all things Gator, there is some added emphasis on that here in town.  Some examples:

Our kids get Homecoming off of school.  Really.  And for homecoming week they do Gator crafts in preschool.  Examples below...

and for Halloween children dress up as....Tim Tebow

Keep in mind, though, that this isn't just a Halloween thing (Tebow, not the witch behind him).  On Fridays before game days about 75-90 percent of the boys are wearing Tebow jerseys.  And most of the girls are also in Gator gear.  Gotta love it.

10/16/08: Especially for Aunty Marilyn

Okay, so here's what I overheard just a few minutes ago.

Context:  Caleb is working in his write on/wipe off maze book.  Apparently he's working on the page where the mouse is trying to get to the island.  (I know, whatever...)

Caleb:  This is Hawaii.

Cate:  Huh?

Caleb:  You know...HU-WAII.  Where Aunty Marilyn lives.  It's really far away so we can't go there all the time.  And it takes Aunty a lllloooooooong time to get to our house.  Hmmmmph.

Cate:  Oh.